Vernon is considering a child ordinance declaring it necessary for the public peace, health, and safety to provide for the care and treatment of children in Vernon, Indiana.
The ordinance says children must be brought inside a temperature-controlled building when the temperature reaches 90 degrees or above.
Not offered shade.
Not given water.
Not allowed to sit under a tree like generations of children before them.
No, once the thermometer hits 90 degrees, all children must be removed from the outdoors and placed into approved indoor climate comfort, because apparently Vernon has discovered that summer exists.
The ordinance also lays out key factors covering extreme weather rules, outdoor play limitations, backyard containment requirements, and shelter standards.
Under the extreme weather rules, no child may remain outside once temperatures reach 90 degrees. The child must be immediately transported into a temperature-controlled building, preferably one with air conditioning, snacks, and at least one adult yelling, “Quit opening the door, you’re letting the bought air out.”
Children playing in yards, riding bikes, catching lightning bugs, helping grandparents in the garden, or running around barefoot like normal feral summer creatures must be brought inside once the temperature reaches 90 degrees.
Failure to do so may result in a warning to the property owner, parent, guardian, babysitter, porch sitter, or whichever adult had the reckless belief that shade and water were once considered acceptable summer survival tools.
A first offense comes with a 10-day warning.
After that, violations may result in a fine of up to $50 per day until the child is properly stored inside a temperature-controlled building and no longer exposed to the dangerous and historically unprecedented condition known as “Indiana in June.”
Repeated violations may lead to more severe penalties, including possible impoundment by Grandma, who will place the child indoors, feed them popsicles, turn the thermostat down to 72, and explain how everyone somehow survived childhood before municipal air-conditioning doctrine became public policy.
The 42nd reading and approval will take place at a future circus visit, where officials are expected to clarify whether children, pets, livestock, mail carriers, roofers, road crews, farmers, and anyone mowing a yard must also be placed into temperature-controlled storage when Vernon’s thermometer bravely discovers the number 90.
