Bad News. Worse Opinions. Zero Patience.The May 2026 Monthly Misery Recap
Welcome to **The Pain Dealer**, North Vernon’s monthly reminder that time is technically passing, although local stupidity continues to age like a damp sandwich left on a radiator.
Once a month, I claw my way out from beneath a collapsing landfill of overdue meeting minutes, pour coffee that tastes like burnt tar into a mug stained by decades of disappointment, and force myself to read the local news like someone being sentenced by a judge who personally hates them.
May is over.
Naturally, it left a mess.
Pull up a chair, but not the comfortable one.
**THE ROADS SPENT MAY PLAYING MUSICAL CHAIRS WITH ORANGE BARRELS**
State Road 7 closed between Vernon and Dupont for a box culvert replacement project north of the Muscatatuck River, between County Roads 300S and 500S. The official detour sent drivers along State Road 3, State Road 256, State Road 56/62, and eventually back to State Road 7.
Meanwhile, another project reduced State Road 3 to one lane near Graham Creek, south of Commiskey, with temporary traffic signals while crews worked on a bridge deck overlay.
**The Pain Dealer’s Opinion:** Wonderful.
Every time residents found a usable route in May, somebody rolled another orange barrel into the road and handed them a complimentary tour of southeastern Indiana.
Need to drive ten minutes down the road? Pack a sandwich. Bring a compass. Leave a note for your family.
By the time you reach your destination, the business may have changed owners and your children may be old enough to file the insurance claim.
At this point, the county road map looks less like transportation planning and more like somebody dropped a plate of spaghetti onto a construction schedule.
**NORTH VERNON APPOINTED A NEW STREET DEPARTMENT SUPERINTENDENT**
The City of North Vernon appointed Eric Wiesman as the new Street Department Superintendent. The city also thanked Garrie Ritchie for his years of service as he retired.
**The Pain Dealer’s Opinion:** Congratulations. Here is your hard hat, your ringing telephone, and a ceremonial shovel for poking whichever pothole becomes sentient first.
The new superintendent inherits the sacred local tradition of listening to residents explain that one particular crater is no longer technically a pothole because ducks have started landing in it.
May his voicemail occasionally stop blinking.
It will not.
**A DRIVER ENTERED HIGH WATER**
Jennings County deputies responded to a stranded vehicle near County Roads 700W and 400S after rising water trapped a driver inside. Officers entered rapidly flowing, waist-high water and pulled the man from the vehicle through the rear hatch when the water had reached his neck.
**The Pain Dealer’s Opinion:** Outstanding. Aquaman showed up.
Somebody apparently looked at rapidly rising floodwater and decided the family vehicle was ready to begin its exciting second career as a submarine.
The deputies waded into dangerous water and pulled the driver out through the rear hatch. So yes, fine. Here is your cookie, Aquaman. Do not expect a parade. I am already annoyed that this required a rescue mission instead of one functioning ounce of common sense.
Do not drive into floodwater.
Your SUV is not a boat. Your truck is not a boat. Your cousin’s lifted truck with the loud exhaust is also not a boat, no matter how many stickers are attached to the rear window.
**TWO NORTH VERNON POLICE OFFICERS RECEIVED RECOGNITION FOR HANDLING A INCIDENT**
Officer Christopher Allen received a Letter of Commendation, and Officer Nathan Gibbons received the Indiana Life Saving Award for their response to a July 2025 incident involving an individual in crisis. According to the department, the officers safely resolved the situation without injury this time.
**The Pain Dealer’s Opinion:** Fine. Here are two cookies.
Do not eat them too quickly. That is the entire awards banquet.
The situation ended safely, nobody was injured, and the officers received recognition. That is how these things are supposed to go. Apparently, meeting the desired outcome now requires me to pause my regularly scheduled complaining and briefly acknowledge competence.
There. I did it.
I hated every second.
Moving on.
**CITY HALL RELEASED ANOTHER BATCH OF ANCIENT SCROLLS**
North Vernon’s meeting-document page received updates around the end of May and beginning of June.
Park Board minutes from February, March, and April appeared near the end of May. Board of Works minutes from February, March, and April also appeared near the end of May. Aviation Board minutes covering January through April appeared with a June 3 document date.
**The Pain Dealer’s Opinion:** Bah humbug.
Nothing screams public transparency quite like receiving February meeting minutes when mosquitoes have already entered their summer employment contract.
Apparently, the documents needed several months to discover themselves. Maybe they were backpacking through Europe. Maybe they spent spring break under a decorative downtown improvement proposal. Maybe they were waiting for the Pony Express rider to finish lunch.
City Hall does not publish meeting minutes.
It releases historical artifacts.
By the time some of these documents appear online, they should arrive in a glass case with a tiny brass plaque reading:
**“Recovered from the Late Winter Period. Handle With Gloves.”**
**THE COUNTY FAIR IS ARRIVING WITH FRIED FOOD AND INTENTIONAL VEHICLE DAMAGE**
The Jennings County Fair runs from June 7 through June 12 at the fairgrounds on State Road 3. The schedule includes food, music, Poor Jack Amusements, go-karts, a tractor pull, a demolition derby, dirt drags, and mudslings.
**The Pain Dealer’s Opinion:** Finally, an honest event.
After a month of construction zones, detours, floodwater rescues, and meeting minutes that had to be carbon-dated, the county is preparing to gather at the fairgrounds and watch vehicles smash into each other deliberately.
No vague explanations. No committee meeting. No strategic plan.
Just dented cars, flying dirt, fried food, and drivers openly admitting they intend to make poor decisions in front of a crowd.
Refreshing.
Somehow, the demolition derby remains the most organized item on the calendar.
That concludes the **May 2026 Monthly Misery Recap**.
The roads were partially closed. The water was too high. Aquaman had to retrieve a motorist. The minutes arrived three geological eras late. The fair is preparing to celebrate controlled automotive suffering.
And June is already standing outside with a clipboard, breathing heavily.
**The Pain Dealer: reading the local news so you can ruin your day doing something more productive.**
Bad News. Worse Opinions. Zero Patience.
Now get off my lawn.
