Well now… Granny’s inbox got ahold of some folks’ New Year’s resolutions, and lord have mercy, they’re perty interestin’.
No More Happy Hours
We regret to inform y’all that we will no longer be hostin’ bonfire bangers where the guest list includes minor relatives and the drink of choice is Crown Apple. Turns out, chasin’ youth with whiskey and high school graduates ain’t the kind of longevity the office had in mind.
Quit Using Law Enforcement Tools Like a Creepy Ex
Starting now, we promise to only use Flock for its intended purpose, ya know, actual law enforcement. No more trackin’ down ex-wives like it’s a Nicholas Sparks thriller. We get it now: stalking ain’t sexy, even with a badge.
Leave Your Girlfriends at Home
SWAT trainings are not “bring your own bae events”. We’ve been gently reminded that our girlfriends don’t need tactical vests or front-row seats to accidental mishaps. From now on, we’ll keep the romance outta the riot van & off the range.
No More Road-Trip Rom-Coms on the Clock
This year, we’re aiming to keep our patrol cars within the county lines and maybe even use ’em for police work instead of out of town errands, love missions, GPS chases or petty ex recon. Novel concept, we know.
Report the Real Crimes
We might’ve forgotten to file a few little things… like child exploitation cases, death investigations and the occasional molestation. But hey, it’s 2026 and we’re turning over a new leaf. Paperwork before poker night. Scouts honor.
Stay Sober at Scenes
Turns out, showin’ up to crime scenes smellin’ like Busch Light and bad decisions ain’t the professional vibe we were goin’ for. So this year, we’ll try somethin’ wild: not responding to calls after drinkin’ at parties.
No More Backroom Promotions
We’ve decided to stop climbin’ the ranks by threatening to run against the boss’s apprentice unless he hands over a shiny new title. Apparently “earnin’ it” is what real men do. Who knew?
Clean Up the Digital Dumpster Fire
2026 is the year we stop actin’ like middle schoolers with group texts full of racism, nudes of ourselves/with others and “haha bro look at this.” We’re gonna stop snappin’ each other our business and start actin’ like folks who actually took an oath.
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